If I could take hold of that very moment I would catch my darling child in my arms. I am crazed and pained and agonized. After telling the "BadDad" not to put our three month daughter in a swing chair, on her tummy...she fell. She toppled over and hit her beautiful face on the tile floor. Thump! That's all I could hear. And then I screamed. I screamed everything I could think of. Why didn't he listen to me!?! You don't put an infant in a chair inappropriately. The chair was not made for little ones to lay on their tummy. Just the sheer word, "chair," tells you that. She wasn't even strapped in.
I asked him nicely three times not to do that and he did not listen. As if he thought he knew best. As if, somehow, it made sense to have her swing in the chair but be seated completely incorrectly.
Anger consumed me. I hated every ounce of him. I wanted to lash out and strike him. What prevented me from doing it? Sometimes, I wish I did. I think the shriek of my little girl's cry stopped me. He got to her before I could and I wanted to rip her out of his arms. How could someone who professed to love her, actually hurt her. I can't see this as a mistake. I warned him not to place her in the chair, in a way that the chair was never made for.
I am living a lie. Because when I look at him, I really despise him. I am empty. I wonder what will become of my little girl and I want to run and save her as an effort to protect her. How stupid and irresponsible can someone be? After the fall, his very existence sickens me beyond what I could have ever imagined.
Sienna looks like she's managed to come around. I called her Pediatrician and he assured me that she was okay. No blood coming from her nose? She screamed? She wasn't unconscious, then. She'll be all right. But I AM NOT ALL RIGHT! I want to pack our bags and leave for Phoenix. But I know I should keep my eye on her every hour just in case she doesn't wake up from sleeping. What if she's hemorrhaging internally in her head! I am livid! I can't seem to come off of it. I can't get away from the disdain I have towards him.
...And so I ask God for help and for me to embrace forgiving him. But the BadDad hasn't even apologized or asked for forgiveness. I would be easier for me to give him grace if he at least asked.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It'll be Sienna and my first Mother's Day. Guaranteed the BadDad doesn't even have a clue what day it is tomorrow.
It's been a rough weekend for me. And for Sienna, too, would be my guess. But she looks like she seriously has managed to bounce back. She still smiles at me in the morning when we wake up. She still kisses the sunshine hello and I am greatful for that. She is the love of my life.
I hear her now...
Considering the poor girl took a hard fall, she's still a happy baby. She's so easy to play with. But I wish I had more developmental toys to play with her. I'm just not sure what sort of toys they're supposed to be. We have teddy bears and things that make noise and are tactile...but what else are you supposed to have for a three month old? I have no clue. Can you tell I'm a very new first time mother. Like, one who has rarely been exposed to babies to begin with?
